The Performer sighs, shakes his head negatively, "This being the season for jolly antics I suppose you won't be satisfied unless you see a Santa.! could entertain you with all the wonders of my astonishing skills -- but you want Santa. Dismal."

He glances at a low platform at center stage. There is a plastic bag crumpled on top of it, but enough hangs over the edge to establish it's in the shape of Santa Claus, one of those life-size ones you stuff with newspapers. Leaning against the platform is a large transparent red bag filled with crumpled newspapers.

Walking over to the platform the Performer indicates the Santa, "That crumpled plastic bag of vague shape. Santa. Do you realize what stupendous magic could be thrilling you if you didn't insist on this nonsense?" He indicates the second bag filled with newspapers, "A sack full of... uh... the thousands upon thousands of fan letters I receive. Why thousands? Because I'm loaded with talent, but... of course... you want Santa."

The Performer gestures toward the wings. Two assistants walk out to the platform. Shrugging, the performer says to the assistants, "They want Santa. Give them Santa. My life is not a merry one."

The assistants rapidly stuff the Santa with newspapers. Once filled, they seat it on the low platform. The Santa is awkward looking, and seems as if it might topple over.

The Performer stares at the audience, "Happy? Now if I may, can we get on to important matters?"

He moves quite a distance away from the platform, his back to the Santa, and begins performing skillful manipulations with cards or billiard balls while extolling his many talents. "I have performed for Presidents, for Kings and Queens and dignitaries of the world... and your only interest seems to be silly Santas."

The Santa begins to quiver as if gradually coming to life. The performer is, of course, oblivious. "Do you understand? I am far too famous for nonsense."

The Santa stirs and awkwardly stands up.

In response to audience reaction the Performer looks quizzical and glances back over his shoulder. But the Santa has stopped his movement an instant before the Performer turns; he does not see the movement. Shrugging, the Performer continues his manipulations, babbling, "Indeed, indeed, in all modesty I would say I am by far... farther than cosmic far... the greatest magician who ever trod this tawdry earth. And you wanted to waste time on Santa."

During this the Santa is slowly, menacingly lumbering toward the Performer. His movement is always ungainly, like a sack of newspapers trying to walk.

Again the Performer hears some audience reaction and turns, looking back. The Santa stops just as the performer turns, and stands motionless. The Performer looks perplexed. He gestures toward the wings. An assistant steps out. Annoyed, the Performer commands, "Do... not... move... that... thing... again!"

The assistant tries to protest that he didn't move it, but he's waved off by the performer.

The Performer returns to doing spectacular manipulations as the Santa once again moves ominously toward the magician, "Are your hearts not overflowing with gratitude that I am honoring all you little, little, little people with this exquisite display of incomparable talent?" The Santa is almost upon him. "...with this genius rather than that Santa silliness?" The Santa roars, "Merry Christmas!"

The Performer is so startled that the cards or billiard balls in his hands go flying wildly into the air, and many, many more fall from various places of concealment in his clothes. He whirls and shrieks when he sees the Santa. In terror he dashes off into the wings with the Santa lumbering after him.

QUICK CURTAIN.

METHOD: With careful timing this can be very funny. The image of this pompous -- to the extreme -- magician performing manipulations while a bag of crumpled newspapers vaguely in the guise of Santa staggers toward him is grandly ludicrous.

Ideally, make the Santa bag of a size to accommodate the assistant, who is scrunched up in the lower section (figure 1). The illustration depicts the Santa extended fully upward to show the relative size of the Santa and also to provide the reader with a design guide. When the assistant is scrunched up the upper part of the Santa bag will be collapsed around the assistant. You can make the Santa out of plastic available from a garden supply store. Draw the Santa onto the plastic twice, cut out the two Santas, and tape the edges together with plastic tape. You can then have an artist airbrush the features and costume onto the bag. It might be possible to purchase a ready-made Santa during the holiday season. If so you may need to enlarge the Santa at the back so that the assistant can fits inside still leaving plenty of room for the stuffing of newspapers. Place Velcro strips on the inside of the Santa boots and on the soles of the assistant's shoes. This will secure them, and facilitate walking without the shoes sliding about inside the Santa bag.

Figure 2 shows the platform, which is about two feet high. The Santa bag lies on top, all crumpled up, but enough of the sleeve and cap hang over the front edge to establish what it is. It appears as though it could not possibly conceal anything. The assistant inside the Santa bag is concealed in a well at the back of the platform. This well is represented by the shaded areas in Figures 2 and 3. The depth of the well depends on the size of your assistant, but nine or ten inches should suffice.

As the other assistants begin stuffing the Santa bag with newspapers they partially block the audience's view of the Santa bag. During this stuffing process the assistant inside Santa is moved from the well to the front section of the platform. Finally, when the assistants seat the Santa on the platform, it must lo0k awkward, almost ready to topple over -- like a paper-stuffed figure. All subsequent movements MUST be ungainly.

It would be effective if the platform were used for other things prior to the Santa illusion so the audience becomes accustomed to it as a utility piece on which various things are put, rather than being an integral part of the presentation.

Some of you will want to produce a live Santa from the Santa bag. Do as you wish. The staggering about, awkwardwalking Santa sack is a visual delight. Enjoy it and allow the audience to do the same.

Happy Holidays to you all.