Patter for the Passe Passe Bottles

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege to let you look at a very historic and priceless remembrance. (Show whiskey bottles on table by removing handkerchiefs which have covered them up to this point.) -(To piano player.) A little sad music please. (Piano player plays the funeral dirge for a few bars. Performer takes out handkerchief and wipes eyes.) Pardon me folks, I couldn't help it. It overcomes me. The stuff now-adays would overcome anyone.

This is really what they call WEEK END LIQUOR. You take one drop and the week ENDS RIGHT THERE. -(Performer fondles bottle, hum "Oh How I Miss You Tonight.) - Well. (Sighs.) I can't let it interfere with my work. I did that once too often. - Now I'm MARRIED. I only take it when I'm sick and brothered, I feel unwell RIGHT NOW. Pardon me, if I pour out a small drop. (Pours out a whole glass full.) Yes sir, I only drink it when I'm not feeling good. WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOU SICK?

There's the bottle now and there's the glass. And I always carry these nickled covers with me. Like Postum there's a reason. You never can tell who is around these clubs now-a-days. See these covers - they fit right over each bottle like this. They're both exactly alike, especially this one.

Well one night I was playing the Knights of Pythias - It was Ladies Night. WHAT WOULD THE KNIGHTS BE WITHOUT THE LADIES - and just as I was going to take a drink, a prohibition agent - with sneakers on - came down the aisle and looked at me tough-like. As if I was a reader or an acoordian player or something, and said, "What's the idea, young fellow?" I said, "What's the idea of what? He said, "I seen that bottle." I said, "SEEN"? Where's your grammar?" He said, "Never mind my grammar, she's got nothing to do with it. Gimme that bottle". I said I have no bottle. And he made a grab for the cover here. But I lifted it up and sure enough, there was only the glass.

He said, "Where is it?" I said, "Over here.". (Lift other cover and show bottle.) Well he said, "Give it to me." He didn't know it, but he could have had me pinched right there -- for passing liquor. I said, "Mister, it belongs to -(name some minister in the lodge where you are) and he couldn't preach next Sunday if you took THAT away. So he made a grab for it, but when he lifted the cover like this the bottle was gone. Then he rushed over here but the bottle wasn't there either. (Show cover and glass.)

He said, "You're pretty cute aren't you." I guess he must have seen my picture someplace. - Well he was sore as blazes. All he got for his pains was Sloan's Liniment. I gave him some cough syrup to soothe him, and he walked out. And when he was gone, I lifted the cover and - I'm a son-of-a-gun. The bottle is REALLY GONE. Pardon me. (Goes over to the other cover.) Ah, here it is, cool and wet. (Drinks liquid.) and now in conclusion, I'd like to show you there is only one bottle and one glass and the two covers are empty. - Please don't take away the song books.