Gags

I sure do fool the people. This afternoon in front of the theatre a little girl stopped me and said, "Are you the one who did all the tricks in the theatre?" I said, "I sure was" Well she said, "You fooled me all right. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE GOOD."

Anybody who guesses how I do this trick, I'll give them right after the show A BRAND NEW FORD -(Pause) - CATALOGUE!

(To boy who leaves stage.) Thank you very much for helping me, Johnny, Come around to see me after the show and I'll give you a free ride to the cemetery and back again.

My wife wanted me to do this trick for you. We sang in the same choir together. She really had a wonderful soprano voice. She liked me. I sang tenor. She was going to marry the bass singer but she took me because I was more high-toned.

I love to do this trick for a fat woman. You know what a fat woman does when she comes in a theatre. She takes off her hat and PANTS!

I don't always want to do magic. I'm going to get a job where I can do something big and clean. I think I'll get a job washing elephants.

(If you fail.) Well, we'll do it again, like that great politician Benjamin Frankel said, "If at first you don't try, Succeed again!"