Transition within a marriage

By Diana Lynn

One of the things that our community needs is a way for couples interested in making this whole transition thing work, and still stay married, to network. Even among couples that “work…” each of us has our own unique ways to "make it all work." I would imagine that the manner in which that can occur is at least as diverse as the personalities of the people involved. Perhaps that is why a "positive couples support group" has not been able to form... our "answers" to our dilemmas are all different. What then are the common threads that we each seek to retain? We all want to "be ourselves." We want to be loved for who and what we are without tolerance alone, but acceptance. I see tolerance as an act of hostility… I have been "tolerated" in the past and it’s not a fun place.
 
We all claim to love our spouses. How do we define that? Do we all define it the same? Probably not... but maybe that is a starting point... a common definition. I see love as acceptance and respect for one another, our mutual concerns, and mutual willingness to accommodate each other’s needs without compromising ourselves. A tall order you may say, but I think that's what love must be. Our spouses are going through transition right along with us... albeit sometimes kicking and screaming. Their identities are being challenged just as much, if not more, than our's are. They didn't sign on for this anymore than we did. They certainly haven't had a lifetime to come to terms with the issues surrounding GID. The question is… can our love for one another accommodate our changes with an accepting demeanor?
 
I've never been in the military, but I believe the Marines have a saying... "Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome." I would like to think that is what my wife and I are doing. In our case, it means each of us have agreed that there are certain fundamental issues that we must agree upon. For us this means she doesn't get to be with the "man" she married  and I don't get to exorcize my male persona 100% from our relationship. Nothing can change me from being the woman that I am. But a part of my history is also the man that I was. Diana couldn't have survived without him... and I'm not willing to never let them see that whom I was as long as they need it... I am not transitioning at 21 years of age. I'm 50... I have built a life... family and grandchildren... all of whom I love... I am not willing to sacrifice them on the pyre of my GID. I "am" my family and friends as much as I am Diana. 
 
The truth is, my body is conforming on the outside to the woman I have always been. For the time being, I am able to be Diana 99% of the time and that works for me. I know it doesn't for everyone. The other 1% of the time, if I'm "cross dressed" as a man, that doesn't change the fact that I am a woman... a woman who has been blessed with an accepting and understanding partner. She deserves the time to adjust to this over time. I don't want to present this as if its all hearts and flowers... this is NOT easy for either of us... we have our moments... But when we begin to get lost, we re-gather ourselves, take a deep breath, and push forward.

I look at it this way... one of the hallmarks of a true woman, is her sacrificial nature.... sacrifice in this manner is the purity of a woman's spirit... her soul. I see no contradiction between my interim "solution" to my situation and the fact that I am 100% woman. I am optimistic that eventually, I will no longer be requested to do this. That will be necessary for my Real Life Test. In the end, I have no right to deny anyone from knowing the real me, and nobody has the right to expect that I will forever. I need them to see me whole and not as a caricature of the past. I think I'm worth it... I hope they will too.
 
We "allow" ourselves to feel the way we do.... WE choose! That awareness can be very empowering. It is also very scary... for we must take responsibility for the consequences of the things that we do.