They Also Serve
By Squirrelly
Rating: PG-13, just to be on the safe side, for adult themes and fighting.
Summary: Chakotay and Kathryn get a few things settled over dinner.
Author's note: Many thanks to Diana and Anne for the last minute beta.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns them. I was just playin' anyhow.
Chakotay was humming as he stepped onto the turbolift. Tonight was the night-he could feel it in his bones. He thought Kathryn could feel it too, judging from the way she had reacted to this morning's dinner invitation. She'd said yes, but since then she was a nervous wreck. She hadn't shown her face outside the Ready Room all day, except to get a few brief status reports. And on those rare occasions when she had been out on the Bridge, she was always just looking away from him as he turned to her. So he was optimistic. For better or worse-and he certainly hoped for the better-their relationship was going to change tonight.
As he set about getting ready for dinner, Chakotay thought about the months of slow build-up that had led to this evening. First, he had suggested that they have the occasional dinner together with a "no work" discussion rule. He'd told her it was for her mental health, and it was, in a way, but the real purpose was to get her comfortable with relating to him on a personal level.
After a month or so of those intermittent dinners, he'd begun showing up in casual clothes, and Kathryn had followed suit with surprisingly little comment. Chakotay became extra-careful after that. He didn't want to push his luck after having come so far with her so soon. So he had simply maintained the status quo for several weeks to let her get used to it.
Then it was on to Phase III of the master plan. He'd waited until she seemed at ease around him again, and then gradually began inviting her to dinner more often until it was a once-a-week ritual. Personal dinner on Mondays, business dinner on Thursdays. Kathryn seemed to have a genuinely good time, and was relaxed enough around him that they could even trade the occasional backrub.
And then there was last week. His mind drifted back as he laid the silverware on the table and set out the candles. After a leisurely meal of stir-fry, they had retreated to the couch and sat there sipping wine and chatting for hours. It was almost midnight before Kathryn had grudgingly gotten up to leave, saying that she had the Alpha shift the next morning. So Chakotay had walked with her to the door, intending only to give her a quick hug and send her off.
But something happened. They had embraced, and then Kathryn had surprised him by giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. She had no doubt meant it as a casual gesture of affection between friends, but it didn't feel that way to Chakotay. As he stared into her smoky eyes, all he could think of was her soft lips, her faint breath fanning out on his cheek, the rose-scented fragrance rising from her burnished hair. They stared at each other, still embracing, for several seconds; Chakotay could feel the electricity leaping from her eyes as they silently acknowledged their unspoken attraction. He thought she might kiss him. He knew he would kiss her. Their heads drifted closer and closer together, and her mouth fell slightly open in invitation. Then someone-he didn't know who-shifted a foot or an arm, and it triggered the door release.
Kathryn had started as if waking from a dream, and whipped her head around to see if anyone in the hallway saw them. Thankfully, nobody was there, or Chakotay couldn't imagine how that night would have ended. She squeezed his shoulders firmly and stepped back from him, shaken, but all Captain again.
"Thank you for the lovely evening, Commander," she'd said. "I'll see you tomorrow."
The next day, he'd halfway expected her to call him on the carpet in her Ready Room and forbid any further personal dinners. To his surprise, though, she was as professional and pleasant as ever; it was as if nothing had happened between them the night before.
After spending three days waiting for the other shoe to drop, he realized that she might actually be okay with the thought of kissing him. Sure, she'd been a little nervous, but she hadn't been frosty to him like she had in the past. And this morning when he asked her if she was coming to dinner as usual, she had said yes. She was nervous as hell all day, but she was still coming. So Chakotay dared to hope.
He finished setting the table and glanced at the chronometer. Perfect-just enough time to grab a quick sonic shower and get dressed before Kathryn arrived. He jogged to the bathroom and ordered the shower on as he hopped around on one foot, trying to yank off his stubborn boot. Finally free of his uniform, he stepped into the shower stall and leaned up against the wall, closing his eyes as the powerful waves washed over him.
Suddenly Chakotay felt unsure about tonight. Perhaps he ought to keep it light with Kathryn, so as not to scare her off and undo all his months of careful planning. On the other hand, maybe he should try to kiss her while things were still up in the air, strike while the iron was hot, so to speak. He sighed. Only two options, and it was still enough to drive him crazy trying to figure it out. He wished he had time for a vision quest before dinner, but he knew he barely had time to get dressed as it was.
He got out of the shower and scooped up his uniform to be recycled, his mind still whirling with confusion. What was the best thing to do? What would she be most comfortable with? What would make her the happiest in the long run? He finally decided to just play it by ear and see what looked like it was the best option. That gave him a little relief as he put on his cream linen suit (he knew it was her favorite), but he was still nervous as he sat down to await her arrival.
As it turned out, it wasn't a long wait at all. Ever punctual, she rang the bell at 2100 on the dot. He called for her to enter as he crossed the room, and the door obligingly whooshed open to reveal Kathryn. She was lovely in a long blue dress, but her posture made her look like she was going into battle with the Borg.
Okay, so definitely play it cool for now, Chakotay thought.
"Kathryn, thanks for coming," he said, squeezing her hand warmly as he led her into the dining area.
She smiled gamely. "Mmmm, something smells good, Chakotay. Now I remember why I keep letting you cook."
"I thought you were just in it for the rations," he joked.
She grinned back at that. "You caught me red-handed. Now let's eat before I starve to death."
"I suppose it would be bad form to let one's captain die of hunger," he said as he pulled out her seat.
"You'd better believe it, mister!" she retorted as she sat down.
Chakotay went to fetch the vegetable lasagna from the stasis field, taking a deep breath as he did so. Okay, so Kathryn was clearly nervous, but she seemed to be covering it well. Maybe tonight wasn't such a bad night for a goodnight kiss after all, provided she relaxed a little more.
He turned back to the table and set down the pan of lasagna with a flourish. "Dinner is served," he intoned.
"Oh, that looks heavenly, Chakotay," she said, and reached for the serving spoon.
Throughout dinner, he watched her unobtrusively, still trying to decide whether tonight would be a good time to go for the kiss. All in all, things were looking good. Kathryn seemed to relax as dinner went on, and they had a fine time gossiping about various crewmembers. Finally, the food was gone, every delicious spoonful, and they sat back, still chatting. All signs looked good, so Chakotay put out a tentative feeler.
"Why don't we go sit on the couch and have a glass of wine?" he said casually, as he got up from his chair and strolled over to the replicator. Just as he was about to ask her what vintage she preferred, a plate exploded like a bomb next to his head.
Chakotay whirled around. Gone was the pleasant companion of the past hour, and in her place was a seething, shaking woman with a salad plate in her left hand and a water goblet in her right. Both looked ready to launch-straight at his head.
"What?!?!" he yelped, throwing his arms in front of his face in defense.
She jumped up from her chair, knocking it backwards in her haste. Her fingers clenched at the plate so hard her knuckles were white. Chakotay absently hoped she didn't break the goblet and cut herself, but was more concerned for his own safety at the moment. He kept his hands near his face, just in case.
Meanwhile, Kathryn was advancing on him, red-faced and heaving. "Do you think I don't know what you're doing?" she growled through clenched teeth. He ducked as the water goblet shattered on the wall right next to him.
Still bewildered by her sudden change in attitude, Chakotay tried to buy time. "I'm not sure what you're talking about, Kathryn. Why don't we sit down and talk about this calmly?" he said in his most reassuring voice, holding her hands out to her.
She barked a laugh. "I don't think so, Chakotay. We all know what happens when I sit on the couch with you and let my guard down. Well, no more."
Chakotay was beginning to get an inkling of the problem. "Fine, don't sit down, just as long as you talk to me!"
"What good does talking do?" she yelled. "We've been talking for months now, and you can't seem to get it through your skull that talking is all I want!"
"But-but I thought that you might be interested in…you know…us having a relationship," he finished lamely, hanging his head. "I'm sorry if I was mistaken."
And just as suddenly as it had arrived, her rage was gone. In its place was utter weariness. Kathryn closed her eyes and sighed. She dropped the plate onto the carpet and trudged over to the couch, burying her head in her hands as she sank down onto the cushions.
Chakotay followed her and sat down at her side. "Please, Kathryn, don't shut me out." He rubbed helplessly at her back as she wept silently into her hands, her whole body shaking with the effort to hold in the sobs. When she didn't respond, he tried again.
"If I had known that you weren't interested in me, I never would have tried. Please, Kathryn…please stop crying," he murmured.
She lifted her head at that, and he caught a glimpse of her red, tear-stained face. "What makes you think I wasn't interested, Chakotay? This wouldn't have been so hard if I weren't."
"What wouldn't have been so hard?" he asked, hoping to keep her talking.
"This," she said, waving a vague arm at the dinner table. "All the casual dinners, the bantering, the backrubs. I thought I was strong enough," she said. "I thought I could have those small pleasures without getting romantically involved with you. I can see now that I should have just stayed away. But I get so lonely, and it was so nice to have a friend. Can you understand that, Chakotay?"
"I don't understand at all," he said. "If you're interested and I'm interested, why couldn't we have a relationship? What's holding you back? Protocols?" He spat out the word.
"Protocol? Is that what you think this is all about?" Her voice was a stinging lash. "Well, I'll tell you what, Chakotay. After this long in the Delta Quadrant, I really don't much care about protocol. I made this decision on my own."
"Does it really scare you that much to let your crew see you as a human being?" he asked bitterly.
"Don't be stupid, Chakotay. This isn't about you, and it isn't about the rest of the crew. It's about me. I need to be able to keep my professional distance in a crisis, and I know I won't be able to do it if I'm in a relationship with you. It just won't work," she said firmly.
"You don't know that, Kathryn," he said desperately, squeezing her hands. He would have said more, but she cut him off.
"Yes, I do know, Chakotay. Maybe if we got back to Earth tomorrow, we could make something of this, but we may not get there for years and years. Let it go, Chakotay. You have to live your life."
"Kathryn, you are my life…I love you," he said, hopeless now.
She smiled sadly. "I love you too, Chakotay, but I can't have a relationship with you while we're still serving on this ship."
Chakotay took a deep breath. "Fine. Then I'll wait for you." He lifted his chin.
"No, Chakotay, I can't let you do that!" she said passionately. "You deserve to be happy, and you won't get that by moping around and waiting your whole life for something that's not likely to happen."
"Kathryn, I'm sorry," he shrugged. "Truly, I'm not trying to add to your burden, but that's just how I feel. I have to accept that. So even if we can't have a relationship right now, it doesn't change how I feel about you." He cupped her cheek. "I will always love you, and I will always wait for you."
She was almost weeping again. "But how?" she said brokenly. "How can you bear it? Show me how, because I don't think I can make it like this."
"'They also serve who only stand and wait,'" he said thoughtfully.
She frowned. "I don't recognize the quote."
"It's from an ancient Earth poem John Milton wrote about his blindness. He said in the poem that the best way he could serve God was to be patient and bear his small burden. Kathryn, I promised you a long time ago that I would put your needs first. If you just need a friend, then that's what I'll be. I gladly bear that burden for you. But I can't stop loving you. As long as you know that, I can be patient and wait for you."
She shook her head. "I could never ask that of you, and if you ever change your mind, I'll be the first to understand. But, for what it's worth…thank you."
"No thanks necessary, Kathryn," he said. "Now why don't we get dinner cleaned up and then maybe we can play some chess." He got up and extended a hand to her. After a brief hesitation, she took it.
"What did I do to deserve you?" she asked, wonderingly.
"I might ask the same of you," he said, and gave her hand a friendly squeeze. "But if you're feeling that guilty, I'll tell you what you can do."
"What?" she asked suspiciously.
"Next week we can use your rations for dinner," he grinned, heading for the shattered plate.
Her puzzled look melted into laughter as they set about cleaning up the broken pieces.
The End?
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